Friday, April 30, 2004

Maybe it's Working!

So, all this posting about how I've been nearly 100% off program for about a month and how I was gaining weight, apparently, was a blatent lie. Well, I have been generally off program in that I haven't been planning, journalling, and at semi-special events I have been eating what I want and forgiving myself the points. However, apparently some of my natural approaches to food/eating have finally started to adjust themselves! I weighed-in on Wednesday and, though I'm up from my lowest weight, I've lost 2 pounds since my last WI on April 8!

This doesn't from a long shot mean that I can just go willi-nilli through eating and not worry about gaining... it does, however, give me a little solace in that I may not have to points-pinch, stress and drive myself crazy trying to control every aspect of my food. If I keep in mind what defines healthy, appropriate portion sizes and food choices, I can maintain this weight- and not just out of sheer will.

And so can you! I mean, hey- if I can do it...

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Lazy Sunday Afternoon...

I slept until 11, went to work for three hours, went to the dentist, went shopping, cleaned up the kitchen, made bridal shower invitations for Miryam (mazel tov!), and am now blogging while DH picks up a movie for us to watch. And it felt like a lazy Sunday. I believe my perception is a bit off.

I haven't been eating well lately... I used to be so conscious of everything I put in my mouth, how long it had been since I last ate, how long it would be until I would eat again, etc etc etc. Now, I have to be careful I don't eat dairy when I'm fleshig- and I only keep three hours in between! In some respects, it's a bit 'freeing' not to be wholly consumed by food, but on the other hand, I'm not losing any weight- I'm gaining a bit, at that. I think I'm going to try to strike a balance between what once was and what is now.

Because I've been behind at work and wanted to spend time catching up today (hooray for comp time), I didn't have the 3 hours to plan out my meals and menus for the week. I picked out three tried and true recipes, and will make them over the course of the week. I know I have to work late a couple times during this week, but I will finally make a decision as to exercise- Separate note: I've been considering dumping my Curves membership in favor of a regular gym membership, but there will be another post outlining the relevant issues in the near future.

As my blogging probably reflects, my mind is in a million places when it comes to being OP. Do I want to stay completely, 100% OP? Am I content to just float along? Is it worth it to go the last 10 pounds? etc etc etc. I'm guessing these are completely normal reactions to the weight-loss process. Whatever, I'll meander my way through it.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Thank you, Stuart Smalley

So, I didn't make my chazakah. [a chazakah is when you do the same thing, in the same manner, three times in a row. It's a Jewish 'third time's the charm'] Yesterday I had a bad day at work, being very stressed out with our office's recent move, my attorneys' increase in work, and trying to cover vacationing coworkers' desks. I went to a friends house directly from work, because had I gone home, I would have either gone straight to bed or straight to TV, which doesn't help stress dissipate, but only postpones having to deal with it. And while I was there, I had about 1 1/2 cups of chocolate chips. Now, I never used to crave chocolate, even before I started WW... but you know you're desperate when you reach for baking supplies to satiate a craving. So, I wasn't completely OP yesterday, and I have to start establishing a new chazakah from Day One.

That being said, eating 1 1/2 cups of chocolate chips is ALL I did to go off program yesterday. I didn't eat a whole bag of chips on top of it, I didn't have left-over macaroons when I got home, etc etc... I had some chocolate chips, and stopped eating them when I consciously realized what I was doing. Overall, it could be considered a NSV (non-scale victory) that I stopped before hitting the bottom of the bag! All night, however, I just kept dwelling on how I FAILED to make my chazakah. I just saw failure, and couldn't get past it.

The part of this that I wish to blog about today, is more of an underlying issue as opposed to the tachlis (tangible) action of eating baking supplies to soothe a bad day. I have realized that I need to increase my self-esteem. See, I hold myself to a very high standard in most aspects of my life (career, WW, housekeeping, etc etc etc). Most of the time, because I'm hopelessly Type-A and a bit of a perfectionist, I am able to achieve a high standard. However, I also have very low self esteem, not seeing myself as a capable person. That creates the feeling that: If I can do it, for sure everyone else can, and likewise, if Person A can do it, I "should" be able to. For example, when coworkers, acquaintences, etc, don't perform 'up to expectations' (which, as stated before, are high), I can't understand why- I mean, I'm not 'good' (low self-esteem) and they are 'good' (high opinion of others), and I can do XYZ (high standards)- so why can't they? Yada, yada, yada... It would do me good to increase my self esteem, thereby alleviating this judgmental-ness, as well as alleviating being judgmental against myself.

In sharing this with a coworker/friend, she suggested trying personal affirmations. Cheesy as it may sound, maybe Stuart Smalley is onto something! I mean, Julia Roberts (in Pretty Woman) taught us all that it's easy to believe the bad stuff, partly because that's what we hear/say to ourselves most often. So, it could follow that if we told ourselves good things, they would be easier to believe, nu?

So, I start telling myself good things today, and here it is in writing- I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

3rd time's the charm, eh?

First, a note to all you newbies comin' by my blog: Since I have recently recommitted myself to the WW (weight watcher) lifestyle, I'm posting my daily food plans here for accountability- it also reminds me what I'm planning on eating and DH (dear husband) can see what's for dinner- it's rather boring, and the point of this blog is really my musings and frustrations with the weight loss process. That being said, even if this entry page isn't interesting, I personally believe you will find other posts of interest as you delve further into the site. Hope you're game for a little delving, and if not- hope you like reading daily food plans!

Yesterday was a great OP (on program) day! I did steal a couple of noodles from my best friend's son's dinner, but I stopped myself short of eating a whole spoonful- which could have led to eating the whole pot-full! I do need to concentrate on water, though... Next week's focus: WATER! On to this week's focus of points, points, points. Here's today's plan:

2 8-inch flour tortillas (2)
4 tsp. light chive & onion cream cheese (1)
4 oz lox (2)
(each wrap is one tortilla with 2 tsp cream cheese and 2 oz lox rolled up like a Jewish burrito. A local kosher bagel shop, Bagel Country, inspired this meal- they call it a lox lulu and add bean sprouts and veggies to the wrap)

Veal Cutlets with mushrooms & tomatoes (5)
Couscous with sausage and raisins (3)
Frozen Veggies (0)

Big salad with fat-free ranch (0)

Eggplant Cacciatore (8)
Egg Drop Soup (1)
Frozen Veggies or more salad (0)

I may swap the egg drop soup for a fruit in the middle of the day- I'm really craving nectarines!

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I done good

Yesterday was a completely OP (on program) day! The first in quite some time. I ended up not having my cottage cheese in the morning, and had a banana later, instead- it all works out. Two proud moments; Around 10 p.m., I was pretty hungry and craving the sausage-and-pasta I made for DH on Sunday, but had a plum instead. Somehow it worked! Second, I got hungry again around 11:30 p.m., and remembered what my very smart leader, Lisa, said: When you run out of points, go to bed. It works! Had I stayed up in front of the TV, I would have given into late-night-cravings and hunger, this way I finished the day 1/2 a point under target.

Today's plan:

1 1/2 cup oatmeal (3)
1 Tbsp brown sugar (1)
1 Tbsp raisins (1)

2 plums (1)

big salad with FF ranch (0)
Eggplant Cacciatore (8)

Bison Steak (4)
Couscous with sausage and raisins (3)
Asparagus or frozen veggies (0)

TOTAL: 21 (1 under target, for buffer)

Monday, April 19, 2004


I officially declare my intentions to recommit to weight watchers TODAY! In accordance with said declaration, here's today's plan:

2 pieces whole wheat bread (2)
1 Tbsp peanut butter (2)
1 Tbsp sugar-free raspberry jam (0)

3 cups cantelope (3)

4 oz BBQ chicken breast (4)
3/4 cup couscous (3)
green beans (0)

Veal cutlets with mushrooms & tomatoes (5)
1/2 cup egg noodles (2)

Total Points: 21 (one under target)

Friday, April 16, 2004

New ring sizes!!

DH and I got engaged in February, 2002, and married October 6, 2002. I haven't been able to wear my rings for about 6 months now, for fear that they may fall off- they're too big. So, yesterday I went to the jeweler to have them resized, and found out that I've dropped from a size 8 ring finger to a size 6 1/2! My pinky dropped from a 6 to a 4 1/2! I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like a lot, eh?

I can't wait to see how shiny they are when I pick them up today... I like shiny things...

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

First of all, I haven't posted in a very long time. I'm sorry. Mostly to myself, as this blog is a place for me to air my emotions and sort out my issues, of which I have a select few. But also to those of you who continually check my site, for whatever it has to offer you- I'm glad you're still comin' by.

Deep thoughts, by Becky Goldberg

About a month ago, I crunched my back by sleeping weird, and basically couldn't look left, right or up for about a week. I started going to the Chicago Comprehensive Care Clinic (highly recommended) for physical therapy, massage therapy and chiropractic adjustment. It has been wonderful- this clinic starts each visit with a 30-minute deep tissue active release and trigger point massage by a clinically trained physical therapy assistant. Not your local spa's Swedish massage- but covered by insurance! During my initial evaluation I learned that the muscles supporting my cervical spine are/were very tight, my L5-S1 joint was pulled slightly higher on the right, I have patellar tracking and crepitus in my knees, and my piriformis muscles are very tight. Basically, all that means is that I need to strengthen the muscles in my legs to help support proper knee alignment, and that I spent/spend many hours in front of a computer (despite the recent lack of blogging). You probably have similar problems which the Chicago Comprehensive Care Clinic could help you out with but I don't care because this blog is about my problems- so nyah nyah nyah. Get your own blog, hippie.

Click here for an in-depth analysis of the piriformis muscle. However, suffice it to say, the piriformis muscle roughly runs from the base of the spine to the top of the humerous bone of the leg- across the middle of the butt cheek. Now, if you've ever tried stretching out your butt cheek, you know that it's not an easy proposition- especially if you have any sort of back problem. Since I have a tight piriformis muscle, which is adding to my L5-S1 inbalance, pulling my hip out of whack and creating subsequent problems down both legs, I have to concentrate on loosening it up. My chiropractor prescribed threapeutic massage- so today I was supposed to have, in essence, a butt massage.

I have never had a butt massage. I don't know that I ever wanted a butt massage. I love my DH, but I don't even know if I'd let him give me a butt massage if he wanted to- not that he's ever asked nor I ever offered. So, I chickened out and got subaquatic ultrasound for my self-inflicted though not intended stab wound in the left palm (another long story seemingly unrelated to weight loss yet involving a rather good batch of guacamole). Tomorrow, however, I'm getting a butt massage. It's for my own good.

Now, the weight-loss related portion of the story: In discussing my apprehension with the therapist, I realized that I've always seen myself as The Fat Girl. I mean, I used to buy a women's size 16 (not just a normal 16, a plus-size 16 which is like two higher than the normal 16). I'm now buying size 8. There is a certain identity in being The Fat Girl, and today I came to a certain realization that that part of my identity has died- or is at least in a semi-permanent coma. I'm no longer The Fat Girl (go ahead, Cara, say it- 'I'm not Josie Grossie any more!'), but I'm so used to being big- can I redefine myself as something else?

Take for example, a situation I encountered on numerous occasions at summer camp. Girls sit on other girls' laps when there aren't any more seats, or if they're just being cutesy- it's completely accepted, right? I was always on bottom- too big to sit on someone else's lap. Same with crunching 6 people in the back of an Israeli taxi ('yes, yes, nahag, there's only 4 of us')- always on bottom. I don't sit on DH's lap. Until the last 4 months or so, I've weighed more than he, so I would obviously crush him if I dared put all of my weight on him at once, right? I step onto elevators gently, or with 1/2 of my foot in the elevator, and 1/2 just outside, so that it shouldn't bounce down a bit as I get on. I'm careful to get out of cars gracefully as I shift my weight ever so slightly to the foot on the ground- passengers won't realize we're no longer dragging the exhaust pipe if I do it slowly enough. I only tip-toe on grass when wearing heels because my massive weight will surely leave gopher-size holes were I to actually use the rear portion of my shoe. etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

There is a certain identity, The Fat Girl, that I believe is disintegrating- and I'm not really sure I'm prepared for it. What of a world where I can jump on the bed without breaking springs; where I can share an air-filled mattress while camping and not be the one on the ground while DH hugs the tent ceiling; where I could, but wouldn't, jump in an elevator without fear of plummeting the 16 flights to the lobby. A brave new world, that The Svelte Girl is learning to venture into.

I had hoped this post would be more profound. It was as I lay half-naked on a slightly warmed massage table receiving trigger point massage to my cervical muscles. If you relate to any of it, I'm glad. If not, consider yourself enlightened to my personal revelation.


Friday, April 02, 2004

Passover Relief from Weight Watchers

DH will read that and think I'm talking about prunes (apparently, and I haven't really experienced this phenomemun, matzo can be- well- binding).

Weight Watchers Online has posted a series of menus that are Passover and WW friendly. I am pleased to present Healthy Passover Meals


I have the best husband in the whole wide world!

Last night, my wonderful, thoughtful, sweet and supportive husband cooked me dinner. Now, you have to understand that, left to his own devices, DH would make Farina with maple syrup & brown sugar, grilled cheese with ketchup, or popcorn with spray butter and seasoned salt for his own dinner. Last night, he made bison fillet with roasted potatoes and steamed frozen green beans, set the table (with placemats and flowers, too), and poured me a glass of wine. All told, my DH made a 9-point, romantic, healthy, well-balanced meal... all while I played Fowl Words.

Not to mention bringing me an absolutely beautiful single square diamond pendant on a short, delicate silver chain which fits perfectly, but after all this is a topical blog- so I had to rave about the food first ;)

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Recipe Update

So, I apologize for the lack of posts- I've been terribly busy at work and home trying to get ready for my office's move and Pesach. However, I did make an AMAZING meal in this past week, and had to share it:

Put a whole chicken (cut into 8 pieces, with or without skin) in a crock pot.
Dump a 10-oz bottle of Bennet's Chili Sauce over the chicken.
Add about 1/4 cup water.
Cover and cook on low about 6 hours.

It's that easy, people! And the only points would be for the chicken, depending on what piece you eat and whether you eat the skin, plus 1 to account for the chili sauce. Reheats extremely well, and quite the forgiving recipe- Thanks to my mom for the suggestion!

Also, as an update to the potato recipe I posted last week- The original recipe I saw suggested using ranch seasoning (or onion soup). I used onion soup the first time, and the potatoes were amazing. Last night we tried ranch, seeing as we had a packet to use up before Pesach and we both love ranch seasoning. AWFUL! just terrible. Stick with onion soup- it's cheaper, it's tastier, and if you use the ranch packet to make dip, you could dip the onion-soup-potatoes in the ranch dip... much better!