Ooops- Time to Take Stock
This Wednesday night, DH and I had yontif dinner by his parents, and good friends, husband and wife, of the 'rents were there. The Mrs. of the couple (we'll call her Mrs. Nice) is, well, rather exuberant in her complimenting- of everyone, and of everything. Usually, in my experience, behavior such as this comes across as somewhat transparent, and can be insincere... but not from Mrs. Nice. She truly and sincerely means every word, and has only nice things to say about everyone- no exaggeration. I'm a big fan of Mrs. Nice, and I don't think she even has any idea!Anyways, I was wearing a new yontif outfit, and to be honest- I looked great. By design, mind you, but still- I walked out of the house quite pleased with my appearance, bolstered by the fact that I'd just reached my personal goal. Upon arriving at my in-laws, Mrs. Nice began to compliment me- it's been a couple of months since she saw me last, and apparently she hadn't seen the latest lost inches/pounds. To be honest, usually in these situations I will politely respond, share some of my story, and try to deflect the conversation in another direction. Wednesday night, though, I did nothing to deflect conversation. I think I was the focus of nearly all of the conversation, and while it felt good- I think it felt too good...
There's a line that each of us are in danger of crossing between Pride and Confidence. Aish.com differentiates between Pride and Pleasure, expressing that Pride is seeing yourself as better than the next person, and Pleasure as seeing yourself as fortunate, having been granted qualities, abilities or opportunities by Hashem and through people in your life. Elsewhere, Aish discuses Jewish Pride saying, "Pride is not arrogance. Pride is justifiable self- respect... But pride in the past is not enough. It is not yet a perfect world and there is still much to be done." If we use this national example and apply it to our singular lives, I believe we learn that proper pride, as differentiated from gaiva (arrogance), is an accurate assessment of your accomplishments, with credit given to Hashem and those around us, and with an eye towards continued improvement.
I am fortunate- fortunate for this challenge! Had I always been a size 8, never had a craving in my life, and actually enjoyed water, I may never have found out what I'm made of! Or, G-d forbid, I may have suffered far greater a challenge to discover my abilities. Yes, I control what goes in my mouth, and I control (99.9% of the time) how much activity I get in- but ultimately Hashem girds me with the strength to do all of this! Most Shabbats, when I light the candles, I take a moment to pray for the things closest to my heart- and most of the time, I'm praying for strength to handle that which life throws at me. Who am I to say "I did this!" without giving credit where credit is due?
I didn't do that on Wednesday night, and while I believe it every word I'm writing, I wonder- by writing here that I give credit to Hashem, does that actually create more arrogance? Does reaffirming for myself that I'm not suffering from gaiva actually instill a greater gaiva? I told DH that I have 27 years of self-confidence to make up for... but that does not grant me a heter for gaiva. I would like to think that I'm starting to develop a sense of self-confidence, rather than a sense of arrogance. Perhaps that's what my next challenge is...
posted by Becky @ 6:00 PM
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