So, this weekend I did very well (considering) on points. However, a friend did mention to me at Kiddush that I seemed reserved, quiet- generally not myself. That bothered me so much, not because he said so, but because he was right. I was quiet, I kept leaving the table, etc. I know why- because I kept thinking, 'don't eat that. don't get more cakes. Eat slowly, stretch it out. Should I leave now?' and other such insecurities. When I'm so preoccoupied by trying not to eat, it takes over everything else, and I couldn't even enjoy singing and talking with friends I hadn't seen in a week. As much as many of my basic habits and tendencies have changed, I just don't forsee a time in my life when I'll be able to put aside these kind of feelings and just enjoy a meal.
Pre-WW, DH (dear husband) and I used to go to a local steakhouse, where my usual dinner was as follows: 1/2 slab beef ribs with french fries and sauteed mushrooms, mushroom barley soup and, when they had it, snickers pie for dessert. And it wasn't uncommon for me to finish the whole meal, including 1/2 a loaf (if not more) of homemade sourdough bread with garlic margarine. If DH and I were to go to the same restaurant again today, I would agonize over my traumatic loss of opportunity to eat beef ribs, order chicken or buffalo in place of the ribs, order salad in place of the soup, skip the dessert, and STILL feel guilty about going over points. The alternative would be to order the meal I want, and just eat it- deal with the 'consequences' later. However, those beef ribs will never taste the way they used to- I can't imagine eating french fries without thinking about how terribly I'm treating my body, how much good I'm 'undoing' by eating them, and how I have 'failed' at having a sucessful meal. I, thankfully, no longer associate my eating/weight with my worth as a person, but I have a hard time reconciling just taking a night off without guilt. If I've set my mind to do this program, does that mean I have to be 100% OP (on program) 100% of the time? sometimes it seems so, and that's the difficult part right now.
posted by Becky @ 10:25 AM
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